Awkward. Embarrassing. Uncomfortable. Any or all of these words are likely to describe the way that parents feel when they think about teaching kids about sex. But acknowledging and overcoming these feelings—one of the more difficult parts of Catholic parenthood—is incredibly necessary if we are to raise children who see themselves as gifts to others and who then go out into the world to live as gifts.

A lot of times when parents think about teaching their children about sex, they imagine that one big “sex talk,” but in reality human sexuality should be something that is discussed in an age-appropriate way from the time children are small. Just as you can’t adequately teach everything about history or math or science in one discussion, you can’t adequately teach about sexuality and bodies in one talk. As parents, we must learn to have a series of talks that start when children are small, for it is then that we begin to talk about self-respect, self-control, human dignity, and love of self.

All of this can lead up to actually teaching about sex. But if we don’t build that foundation, suddenly dropping a “sex talk” on kids during puberty will not resonate as much with them or be as effective in ensuring that they see their value and the value of others.

In a document on human sexuality and love, the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops explains that because we are made in the image of God “the human body, therefore, has great dignity, and human sexuality is a great good.”

Explaining the goodness of our bodies is the perfect place to start. Sexuality is a good but only when given to a spouse within marriage.

So how do you talk to your children and what do you say? We want to offer some practical suggestions because we know how difficult these conversations can be. Remember, if you feel that it’s too awkward to talk to your kids about and never have those tough conversations, your children will seek the knowledge from somewhere else—from friends, from social media, or from the Internet. These sources will not tell them the reality of the beauty of sex. They won’t tell them that they are gifts. And they will likely teach a skewed or harmful view of sexuality.

Because we love our children, we want them to learn what truly loving relationships are. I venture to say that no parent has ever hoped their child would go from sexual relationship to sexual relationship and indulge in one-night stands. Parents want their children to be cared for and cherished. Teaching them that they are lovable and a gift is the way to begin this.

Don’t talk to little kids about sex. Talk about the goodness of God’s creation.

 In The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality, the Pontifical Council for the Family explained that “a child is in the stage described in John Paul II’s words as ‘the years of innocence’ from about five years of age until puberty—the beginning of which can be set at the first signs of changes in the boy or girl’s body (the visible effect of an increased production of sexual hormones). This period of tranquility and serenity must never be disturbed by unnecessary information about sex.”

Understanding St. John Paul II’s words, we must never do anything to destroy the innocence of our children. But it is our job as parents to build a foundation during this time period. That means that we begin by pointing out to toddlers that they are a boy or a girl and that they are precious because God created them. Saying things like, “Isn’t it amazing that God made you a boy?” is a great way to help children feel special and to understand the difference between boys and girls. Moms can explain that God created her as a woman and that He created Dad as a man. You can even point out similarities between the child of the same sex as the parent. You can help create a bond with that parent by saying, “You are a boy just like Daddy!” 

This can lead to simple and frank discussions about how we are beautifully and wonderfully made by God and that our bodies are good and special.

Tell your children often that you love and cherish them. As your child grows, you can talk about love and respect for others. Define love for them. Even little kids will understand when you explain that love is wanting what is best for another person. Put this in their perspective. Tell them that you love them and want what’s best for them, so you care for them, clothe them, feed them healthy foods, read to them, and so on. When they interact with siblings or other children, teach them to do for others as they would want done to them. This is part of wanting what’s best for another person. Teaching this concept from the time they are small will help as they grow older.

As children enter elementary school, begin to discuss modesty in dress and tell them about the difference between good touches and bad touches to make sure that they understand, without scaring them, that there are people out there who might hurt them. Stress that they should feel comfortable coming to you should anybody ever touch them inappropriately or if they have any questions.

The point in this stage is to help children love themselves and their bodies and to feel secure not only in who they are but in the fact that you love them and want to protect them.

When you know that they are approaching puberty, around the age of nine or ten, talk matter-of-factly about some of the changes that will happen in their bodies. Never shame them or make them feel awkward. Explain that all of these things are just a natural part of life and that God created our bodies to do wonderful things.

Tell your daughters that menstruation will occur. Give her a brief discussion of why. Tell her that her breasts will begin to grow and she will begin to shave her legs and armpits in a few years. Let her see you buy pads, tampons, and razors without being embarrassed. In fact, those store trips are great times to nonchalantly bring up these topics. Explain to your sons that they will start to grow hair on their bodies, that their voices will deepen, and other changes will happen. You don’t have to go into great detail now, but telling them that these changes will occur will go a long way toward helping them be prepared. You don’t want your daughter to be scared or unprepared should menstruation begin early and while you’re not around.

What to say about sex and chastity when kids are entering puberty

As kids enter puberty, their bodies will change, and many kids will have lots of questions. Talk again about these changes. Sometimes information goes in one ear and out the other, so what you told them months or even a year or two prior may not have been understood or remembered.

Depending on their age and maturity level, now is the time to talk with your child about sexual intercourse. Again, you don’t have to go into great detail. But do explain that it’s a beautiful act that is meant for a man and a woman within a marriage and that it has both a unitive and procreative aspect—that it’s meant to help bond the couple together and that it can create a baby.

Explain what chastity means and that the Church calls everyone to chastity, even married couples. As the Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches:

Chastity means the successful integration of sexuality within the person and thus the inner unity of man in his bodily and spiritual being. Sexuality, in which man’s belonging to the bodily and biological world is expressed, becomes personal and truly human when it is integrated into the relationship of one person to another, in the complete and lifelong mutual gift of a man and a woman. The virtue of chastity therefore involves the integrity of the person and the integrality of the gift.

In St. John Paul II’s apostolic exhortation Familiaris Consortio, he explained that “chastity is absolutely essential, for it is a virtue that develops a person’s authentic maturity.” If we ever hope to have our children believe and understand this, we must teach them from the time they are young.

Chastity is absolutely essential, for it is a virtue that develops a person’s authentic maturity.”

St. John Paul II

When you talk to your children about sex, stress that our value as human beings doesn’t come from our sexuality and that we are so much more than sexual beings. Talk about all the wonderful things they can do that have nothing to do with the sex act or whether they are a boy or a girl. Explain that they are unique and special because of who they are.

It’s important to again reiterate modesty and modest dress. Girls about this age will often want to dress to attract boys. Help them pick out clothes that look nice but that don’t show off too much of their body or skin.

Tell your kids that they will likely have crushes and that this is a normal part of life. It’s important to mention that crushes come and go. If you have personal stories from one of your first crushes, share this with your child, especially if you have a story of when your heart was broken or when someone didn’t reciprocate your crush. Kids need to learn that they can bounce back from this type of situation and that they’re not the only ones in the world who have been hurt.

Strive to foster honest and open communication, always encouraging children to ask questions. Answer as well as you can for their age and maturity level. If you don’t know the answer, say that. Kids will appreciate your honesty. If the answer is something you feel that they are not ready for, explain that that is a topic you will discuss when they are a bit older.

However, beware of possible pitfalls of this response, as kids may then seek answers on the Internet. This is a good time to monitor any online presence and to put parental locks on their devices so they cannot visit inappropriate websites. It’s also a good time to talk about pornography and the dangers of it. Talk frankly about how pornography is harmful to both men and women, how it degrades women, and how it’s an unrealistic view of sexuality. Explain that the people involved are merely using each other and that they are not experiencing authentic love.

When talking about sex and sexuality to teens, explain the difference between love and lust

Having open and honest discussions with teenagers becomes more difficult—for both parents and teens. Remember that teenagers are trying to find their identity. Reiterate that they are special and wonderful, just as God made them. Chastity expert Jason Evert explains: “We need to personalize education and human sexuality instead of reducing it to a biological act. This is a personal act. It involves your heart, your soul, your mind, your future spouse, your family.”

This is the lesson we want to impart to our children. The only way they will grow to understand this is if we have open and honest conversations with them.

When discussing the word chastity, explain what the Catechism teaches:

“Chastity includes an apprenticeship in self-mastery which is a training in human freedom. The alternative is clear: either man governs his passions and finds peace, or he lets himself be dominated by them and becomes unhappy.”

Stress to your teens that freedom and happiness do not come from constantly giving in to temptations, as that only makes them a slave to their desires. True self-mastery comes in caring for their bodies—heart, mind, and soul.

Help them understand the difference between love and lust, again stating that love is wanting what is best for the other person. Explain that lust turns people into objects and means using another person for our own gratification. Encourage them to think about how they want to be treated in a relationship.

Many kids this age will have moved from the crush phase to feeling sexually attracted to the opposite sex and will want to start dating. (Catholic dating is a whole other parenting topic!) Talk about where appropriate date venues are—going for pizza or a movie rather than to a home where no parents are. Once kids start dating, teach them to ask themselves questions such as, “Does this person want me or does this person just want the pleasure of me?”

Discuss again the two ends of sexuality in marriage and why the Church teaches what it teaches. Explain that the Church is not striving to keep people from “having fun” or holding them back from anything. It wants them to experience total self-giving love.

The function of chastity is to free you to love and to free you to know if you’re authentically being loved.

Jason Evert

In a YouTube interview about chastity, Jason Evert explains that “the function of chastity is to free you to love and to free you to know if you’re authentically being loved.” Teach that the Church wants its members to experience authentic love and to not only be a gift but to receive another as a gift. Explain that sex forms emotional, psychological, and spiritual bonds, whether the two people engaged in it acknowledge that fact or not, and that these bonds are best reserved for marriage.

Clarify that marriage is an immense good and a great blessing. Give your teens examples of how a husband and wife should treat each other and interact. Even if you come from a single-family home, you can still teach your children what marriage is supposed to be. Tell your children that you want this for them.

Spend quality time with your teenagers. Play games together. Have family dinners. Watch TV as a family. This allows you to use examples from TV shows or the news as pathways to discussing sensitive topics. Pause the show and talk about a scene if you have to. Ask your kids their opinion about scenarios that you encounter. Ask them what’s going on in school and what their friends talk about. Spend one-on-one time with them so they can ask questions they may not be comfortable asking in front of the entire family.

It’s important to also mention and debunk the soulmate myth. Movies and TV shows like to romanticize love by using the word soulmate, intimating that there is just one person in the entire world of eight billion people who is for you. This not only sets kids up for immense disappointment and sadness at their first breakup, but it’s unrealistic. Explain that successful relationships take hard work from both people who truly cherish each other and want more than just sex.

Final thoughts: Don’t let your kids get sex education from the media

The Catechism of the Catholic Church explains that “parents should teach children to avoid the compromising and degrading influences which threaten human societies.”

Our kids face those threats every day—on social media, on TV, and at school. We want our children to feel genuinely loved so they don’t just give themselves sexually to every person they date. If we don’t take steps to talk to them and to teach them about chastity and authentic sexuality, the world will impose its own version of sexuality on them. And we know that this is extremely unhealthy.

In his Theology of the Body, St. John Paul II states: “The human body, with its sex, and its masculinity and femininity seen in the very mystery of creation, is not only a source of fruitfulness and procreation, as in the whole natural order. It includes right from the beginning the nuptial attribute, that is, the capacity of expressing love, that love in which the person becomes a gift and—by means of this gift—fulfills the meaning of his being and existence.”

We hope and pray that our children will see their bodies and their sexuality with the eyes and wisdom of St. John Paul II. Only when we start teaching kids about sex and openly share the reasons why sex is meant for a man and a woman within marriage will they begin to see the beauty of that authentic love and strive for it in their own lives.